Show Me Videos of Funny and Gold

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

Edit1: a typo

Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.

What do you call children born in whorehouses?

You can explore gold hoard reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean gold ore dad jokes. There are also gold puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(

Republicans are the true snowflakes...

they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools

EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!

its a joke folks. just a joke.

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

Two goldfish are in a tank...

One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"

Olympic Condoms

A man gets home one day from work and excitedly shows off to his wife that he bought a pack of *Olympic Condoms*.

"What do you say I slip on a gold one and we give it a go?" He asks her with a grin.

She simply responds,

"Why don't you try out the silver and come second for a change"

How do you turn lead into gold?

Start a war.

Bill Gates Goes Fishing

Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.

"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.

Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.

The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"

Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"

What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it?

Au-burn

^He^^He^^^He^^^^He

What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?

They both slowly remove clogs.

I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original.
Thanks for the gold !

Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'

'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'

'But I'm Usain Bolt!'

'OK then, 2 minutes.'

The next person to show me that dress...

...is gonna get a white and gold eye.

Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)

A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it.

" - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"

" - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."

" - And what color are you going to wear tonight?"

" - Gold, obviously!"

" - Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."

I heard the kid who fell into the gorilla pit was actually trying to get the jewelry his mother dropped.

He didn't get the gold but he got the silver back.

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,

but only for like 20 seconds...

Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball?

Because Africa isn't a country.

You know the times have changed...

When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.

A man walks into a store to buy condoms

He notices that there are Olympic condoms on sale. He returns home and tells his wife, "Honey I bought Olympic condoms for us tonight!"

Wife: What's so special about them.

Husband: Well, there's a gold one, a silver one and a bronze one.

Wife: Which one are you gonna wear tonight?

Husband: The gold one of course!

Wife: Why don't you wear the silver one, it would be nice if you came second for a change.

2020 Olympic high jump results

Gold - Mexico

Silver - Mexico

Bronze - Mexico

Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did."

Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer."

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

How do you make gold soup ?

Put 24 carrots in it

I think my goldfish likes it when I take him out of his bowl…

He sure wags his tail a lot…

What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold?

An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.

What's better than winning a gold medal in the Paralympics?

Walking.

Students are smart

Chemistry Professor: Now, class, here I have a beaker of H2SO4, and here I have a gold ring. Suppose I drop the ring into the sulphuric acid. Will the gold dissolve?

Student: No

Professor: Good. And will you please tell us why not?

Student: If it would dissolve, you wouldn't put it in.

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.

He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"

Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.

Do you know how to drive this thing?

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

They say I'm overconfident

Edit 1: Thanks for the silver!

Edit 2: Thanks for the gold!

Edit 3: Thanks for the platinum!

Edit 4: Wow this really blew up!

I was digging in the garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run inside and tell my wife.

But then I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden.

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.

"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"

Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin.

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner finally arrived! I scanned, and then carefully read the full-page of submissions, but the truth stared me in the face. Of my submissions that should have won, no pun in ten did.

Dated a gold digger once.

I date this girl once, she was a solid 10. She was smoking hot, and crazy in bed. Things went south though, she claimed I lied about how much money I had.

And I was like my exact words where, that I has worth between 40 and 75 million dollars .

So what if it was only $2,165. It is still between $40- $75,000,000.

Why did the non-binary prospector move West in 1849?

Because there was gold up in them/their hills.

What's a pirates favorite element on the periodic table?

Gold. What the hell would they need argon for?

I took my goldfish to the vet.

He's having seizures.

The vet responded, He looks fine to me.

Sure, I said, but wait until I get him out of the bowl.

What does a redditor say when he detonates a bank vault?

Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold.

Why did the non-binary prospector travel West in 1849?

Because there's gold in them/their hills

They've unearthed a sarcophagus in Egypt filled with chocolate and nuts

The mummy was wrapped in gold foil, so they believe it is the legendary Pharaoh Rocher

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

Did you see that gymnast from North Korea in the Olympics?

She didn't win gold but her execution was flawless.

24-year old Tai Jinhai came in first during the Beijing Marathon, but they gave the gold medal to the son of a prominent party official instead.

To this day, the Chinese government refuses to acknowledge Tai won.

My cows milk won a gold medal at 15 shows in a row...

It was legend dairy.

Dad! I accidentally stepped on this butterfly…

Well you know what that means son, no butter for you for a month. The boy was upset and went back into the house. The next day the boy was playing in the garden again.

Dad! I accidentally killed a honeybee. The father looks at his son.

Well no honey for you for a month. The boy was upset and went inside the house. A few hours later the boy went up to his dad.

Dad! Mom just killed a cockroach.

(Old but gold lol)

What did the redditor say to the leprechaun?

Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger!

I had a gold fish that would breakdance on the carpet...

But only for about ten seconds.

I found out that the girl I'm dating is a gold digger

Idk how to tell her but I don't like gold diggers. It's not safe for her mentally as well as physically and the mine she works at doesn't give them health insurance or anything. What should I do?

I entered the world kleptomaniac championship tournament

I took gold, silver and bronze.

emos and goths should wear more gold

its pretty metal

My 5yo continues to supply the gold: what snakes do you find on cars?

Windshield vipers!

kelleyfiette.blogspot.com

Source: https://jokojokes.com/gold-jokes.html